No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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