I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
