we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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