tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You can't just leave with hair like that
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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