Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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