it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
