saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
