she woke up with a sticky ear
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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