Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
it's great music for shaving your balls
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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