Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
