i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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