I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
