addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
