Who wears a wallet chain?!
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
