I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
