Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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