I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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