I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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