I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
