My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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