Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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