i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
