We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
