every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
