It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
