the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
