life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
