Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
