had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
