I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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