tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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