i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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