I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
