Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
