dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
