So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
