I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
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