my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
