A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize