Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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