dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
