I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
