Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
