No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize