I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
