wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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