Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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