yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I cut my penus on the lid.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
