she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize