Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
so let's talk penis.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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