i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
