Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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