two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
