I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
