The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
How external is "for external use only"?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
