if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I think your dad took our porno
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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