Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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